


The Fab Family - A Beatles Chat Fic

by orphan_account



Category: The Beatles (Band)
Genre: Boys Will Be Boys, Chatting & Messaging, Crack, Don't worry, Enjoy!, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, How Do I Tag, Humor, I Update Super Frequently Though, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, McLennon, Texting, WIP, chat fic, everyone is stupid, groupchat fic, starrison
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-10
Updated: 2020-04-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:33:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23531647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Welcome to 'The Fab Family', the official groupchat of the Beatles! The Four and the rest of the gang should NOT be allowed to own cellphones. George and Ringo are disgustingly adorable, John and Paul are absolute morons in love, Brian and Martin are just tired parents, and everyone is queer, dumb, or both. Anything goes, in The Fab Family, but at the end of the day, these dumbasses still love each other. Hope you enjoy!!~~~ON HOLD AT THE MINUTE~~~
Relationships: Brian Epstein/George Martin, George Harrison & John Lennon & Paul McCartney & Ringo Starr, George Harrison/Ringo Starr, John Lennon/Paul McCartney, Mal Evans/Alistair Taylor
Comments: 23
Kudos: 49





	1. Welcome to The Family

**Author's Note:**

> My summary is shit, but you're here! Check that out!! I promise, ain't as bad as I made it sound. Hope you like it!!

**Hell, 10:23am.**

_**P.McC created a chat with J.W.Lennon and 2 others.** _

_**P.McC named the chat 'Hell'.** _

**P.McC:** Welcome, folks

**P.McC:** To my humble abode

**P.McC:** I live here

**GHazza:** Oh, lovely.

**J.W.Lennon:** how glad am i to be here so early on

**J.W.Lennon:** don't know exactly what i did to earn my spot

**StarkeyR:** hey everyone!!

**J.W.Lennon:** but it's fair to say I deserve hell

**P.McC:** Hush, love, you're perfectly fine

**P.McC:** You might be the person least geared for hell in this chat

**GHazza:** How could you say that when you know Ritchie's in the gc????

**StarkeyR:** D:

**P.McC:** Sorry, second least

**StarkeyR:** :D

**J.W.Lennon:** i can't believe you paul

**J.W.Lennon:** youre a demon... clearly ringo is an angel

**P.McC:** No shit, I live in hell

**GHazza:** LANGUAGE!!

**GHazza:** Guys, Ritchie's here, keep it together with the cursing!

**P.McC:** Sorry, you're right, can't corrupt the baby

**GHazza:** Amen.

**StarkeyR:** guys i'm literally older than all of you?

**J.W.Lennon:** i cannot believe youd imply that you aren't the baby

**P.McC:** He's right, Ringsy

**P.McC:** You are the baby

**StarkeyR:** frankly i'm offended?

**GHazza:** No, no. Don't misunderstand. You're my baby. I love you.

**J.W.Lennon:** *our

**P.McC:** *We

**StarkeyR:** hmmmm,,

**StarkeyR:** okay maybe I can live with thst :D

**P.McC:** Thst

**J.W.Lennon:** thst

**GHazza:** Shuddup, guys.

**StarkeyR:** thanks geo

**GHazza:** Ofc. :)

**J.W.Lennon:** cute

**P.McC:** Disusting

**J.W.Lennon:** yeah get a room

**GHazza:** Oh, spit. We're FRIENDS.

**StarkeyR:** guys :(((

**GHazza:** Luv ya, Ritch. :)

**StarkeyR:** :DDD

**P.McC:** Gross is that affection

**GHazza:** What did I JUST say??

**P.McC:** Hush la

**GHazza:** Considering that Ritchie's an angel, I don't think he belongs in Hell.

**J.W.Lennon:** i sure do but i guess geo makes a point

**StarkeyR:** uwu

**P.McC:** Okay firstly Ritch that's awful

**StarkeyR:** sorry

**GHazza:** How dare you insult the angel????

**J.W.Lennon:** what's secondly

**P.McC:** Well secondly if Hell isn't good enough, you fucks can name the chat

**J.W.Lennon:** hmmm

_**J.W.Lennon renamed the chat 'Bastardly Bugs'.** _

**J.W.Lennon:** how's that then

**P.McC:** Not bad

**GHazza:** Not awful, no, but we can do better. 

**StarkeyR:** i have!!!! an idea!!!!

**GHazza:** What's your idea, love?

**J.W.Lennon:** oh do tell ringdy

**P.McC:** ringdy

**GHazza:** ringdy

**StarkeyR:** hi my name is ringdy!!!!!

**J.W.Lennon:** stfu guys ringo give us your idea

_**StarkeyR renamed the chat 'The Fab Family'.** _

**StarkeyR:** thoughts?????

**GHazza:** I love it, that's adorable, my vote is for that. ^^

**StarkeyR:** yeah?????

**J.W.Lennon:** oooh i dig it

**P.McC:** We ARE some fab fellas i give you that

**StarkeyR:** yay!!!!

**GHazza:** I never thought I'd live to see the day we all agreed on something!

**J.W.Lennon:** ritchie's cute that's the only reason 

**StarkeyR:** am i supposed to be flattered or insulted

**P.McC:** shh honey it's a compliment

**StarkeyR:** alright then??

**P.McC:** Now boys, since that's settled, let's jazz it up

**StarkeyR:** jazz it up??????????

**J.W.Lennon:** wdym jazz it up

**GHazza:** Yeah, never say that again.

**P.McC:** Listen, if it's gonna be hell, it should be jazzy

_**P.McC changed J.W.Lennon's name to LennonySnickett.** _

**P.McC:** How's that for a start

**LennonySnickett:** why've you cursed me daddy

**P.McC:** wHAT

**GHazza:** John, we talked about this. It's "why have you forsaken me, father?"

**LennonySnickett:** i prefer my version

**StarkeyR:** what is wrong with yall

**GHazza:** :(

**StarkeyR:** not you georgie :)

**GHazza:** :)

**LennonySnickett:** ew, love. nowwwww

**GHazza:** Stfu.

_**LennonySnickett changed P.McC's name to MaccadilyCircus.** _

**MaccadillyCircus:** Alright, first of all,,

**StarkeyR:** is that supposed to be a pun on piccadilly or like what

**GHazza:** I think you're right, but it's a very bad pun.

**LennonySnickett:** better than a book joke

**LennonySnickett:** also it's double meaning cuz circus and paul is clearly a clown

**StarkeyR:** john wrong type of circus

**MaccadillyCircus:** Is it tho John

**MaccadillyCircus:** Wow rude

_**MaccadillyCircus changed their own name to Maccaroni.** _

**LennonySnickett:** lameeeeeeee

_**GHazza changed LennonySnickett's name to JohnnyBoy.** _

**GHazza:** Sorry, that was a geadache to read, somewhy.

**JohnnyBoy:** it's alright,,

**JohnnyBoy:** considering i hate macca's contribution it's more than alright

**Maccaroni:** I'm so offended I can't put it into words

**JohnnyBoy:** well suck it

**Maccaroni:** Perhaps I will >:)

**GHazza:** Tf?

**Maccaroni:** I'm sorry are we just gonna gloss over "geadache"

**JohnnyBoy:** geadache

**Maccaroni:** And "somewhy"

**JohnnyBoy:** somewhy

**GHazza:** Oh, shut it.

**Maccaroni:** Let's get you in on the fun, anyroad

**GHazza:** ?

_**Maccaroni changed GHazza's name to Geo.** _

**Geo:** That's just my name...

**JohnnyBoy:** but shorter!!!!

**Maccaroni:** Aesthetically pleasing

**JohnnyBoy:** looks nice

**Maccaroni:** So I said

**Geo:** You guys have interesting ones, tho.

**Geo:** @StarkeyR, come back.

_**Geo changed StarkeyR's name to BubblegumRitch.** _

**BubblegumRitch:** sorry i was off getting snacks :)

**BubblegumRitch:** ooh like the song!!!!

**Geo:** Wait, snacks???

_**Maccaroni changed Geo's name to HungriHarri.** _

**JohnnyBoy:** ritch i think you just sealed your fate by saying you had snacks

**JohnnyBoy:** oh good one paulie

**HungriHarri:** Snacks!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

**Maccaroni:** RIP Ringo

**Maccaroni:** and thanks yeah

**JohnnyBoy:** yw

**HungriHarri:** Can I come over??? Please, Ritchie????

**BubblegumRitch:** of course you can!!

**Maccaroni:** Uh oj

**JohnnyBoy:** oj

**Maccaroni:** Shuddup

**HungriHarri:** I'll be over in five! :D

**BubblegumRitch:** :D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How's that for a start?? I've got half the next chapter down, but this is just a sorta meet-the-lads thing, I guess, their modern personalities and stuff. I promise there'll be real plot later, I swear. :) I'm gonna add more of the people, Eppy, Martin, and Mal for certain. You might also get more roadies and stuff, Neil and Alistair, perhaps I'll add folks like Cilla and Bobby? Who knows? Not me! Let me know what you think, I eat comments and kudos for breakfast! Feel free to drop ideas, too! ;D Love you guys, stick around!!!
> 
> \- Doc <3


	2. Movies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bugs. Dumb bugs. Moving day is coming up, though. Pack your bags!!

** The Fab Family, 10:43am. **

**BubblegumRitch:** guys george just showed up at my house in shorts and a jumper

**BubblegumRitch:** he ran to my flat instead of driving

**BubblegumRitch:** it's fucking snowing outside

**JohnnyBoy:** what the everloving FUCK

**Maccaroni:** Is he okay

**BubblegumRitch:** no lmfao he's shakinf like a leaf i'm getting blamketd

**JohnnyBoy:** i dunno whether to make fun of shakinf or blamketd

**Maccaroni:** Why don't we just make fun of George for running to Ringo's flat in the SNOW

**HungriHarri:** Listen bitch, I'll do anything for food and y'all. 

**HungriHarri:** I'll admit that I can't wait until we can move into the big shared flat, because it's fucking COLD outside.

**HungriHarri:** Also Ringsy, if you could bring socks as well? Mine are soakef.

**JohnnyBoy:** soakef

**Maccaroni:** soakef

**BubblegumRitch:** yeah ofc :))

**JohnnyBoy:** i'm excited to share a flat too

**Maccaroni:** Think of all the extra space we'll have!

**BubblegumRitch:** geo's teeth are chatteromg too hard for me to properly understand him,,,, but I think says he's mostly excited about the big pantry and kitchen

**JohnnyBoy:** well he would be

**Maccaroni:** His branding is on point

**Maccaroni:** Also chatteromg

**JohnnyBoy:** ^^^

**BubblegumRitch:** geo says shuddup

**Maccaroni:** I'll bet he does, he likes you too much

**Private chat, -- Maccaroni and HungryHarri, 11:04am.**

**HungriHarri:** Paul istfg

**HungriHarri:** You gotta stop saying stuff like that, it's a fucking SECRET.

**Maccaroni:** I'm sorry Geo it's just funny XD

**Maccaroni:** You always stop us from mocking him and it's just cute

**HungriHarri:** It's not funny, man, you can't tell him! You gotta stop doing shit like that, he's not entirely stupid, he'll figure it out.

**Maccaroni:** You've been in love with him since you met him, are you serious rn

**HungriHarri:** Okay, 1.) I'll do yeh for treason if you say anything about that.

**HungriHarri:** 2.) You get even CLOSE to telling Ritchie that I happen to like him way more than I should, I put dead birds in your bed and tell Lennon you love HIM.

**Maccaroni:** ALRIGHT I TAKE IT BACK

**HungriHarri:** Good.

**HungriHarri:** Now I'm gonna watch a movie with him and munch some snacks, quit blowin' me up.

**Maccaroni:** Get laid!!! Good lucj!!!

**Maccaroni:** *luck

**HungriHarri:** Uh huh yeah whatever stfu luv ya dude

**Maccaroni:** Kk bye

**Private chat, -- Maccaroni and HungryHarri, 11:39am.**

**HungriHarri:** Gonna be honest, I have no idea what this film is about but somehow my HEAD

**HungriHarri:** Ended up on Ringo's THIGH

**HungriHarri:** I'm between his LEGS

**HungriHarri:** He's messing with my HAIR

**HungriHarri:** And he's WARM

**HungriHarri:** I am LOSING IT

**HungriHarri:** Lord, smite me down. <33333

**Maccaroni:** Shut up lover boy

**Maccaroni:** But if you want my advice

**Maccaroni:** Just sorta,,,,, pull his other leg on top of you and mush yer face in it?

**HungriHarri:** Sounds like heaven, I'll let you know how it goes if I don't dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

**Maccaroni:** Go get em tiger

**Private chat, -- Maccaroni and HungryHarri, 12:15am.**

**HungriHarri:** You know how John got all sappy on us the other day and asked where our happy places were?

**Maccaroni:** Wanna change your answer

**HungriHarri:** Oh fuck yeah. I'm never moving again.

**Private chat, -- JohnnyBoy and BubblegumRitch, 12:18am.**

**BubblegumRitch:** JOHNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!

**BubblegumRitch:** EMERGENCYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!

**JohnnyBoy:** huh????????

_**BubblegumRitch attached a photo.** _

**JohnnyBoy:** oh I see

**JohnnyBoy:** you've got the love of yer life exactly where you want him

**JohnnyBoy:** wait why is this a problem?

**BubblegumRitch:** i can't breathe he's like squeezing himself between my fucking thighs hngnhngmhn

**JohnnyBoy:** well, our not-so-innocent-angel, now is a very good chance to just y'know,,, squish him a bit

**JohnnyBoy:** you ahve nice thighs, like, use that

**JohnnyBoy:** *have

**BubblegumRitch:** what like,,, just a lil squeeze to be like hi don't move????? i've been in love with him since germany i feel like that's not how to admit that,, a lil squish

**JohnnyBoy:** I mean you could flirt with him properly but he's already between yer legs, so....

**BubblegumRitch:** as valid of a point that is

**BubblegunRitch:** you give notoriously bad advice and im a pansy

**JohnnyBoy:** don't mind if I screenshot you calling yerself a pansyyy... 

**JohnnyBoy:** cmon tho, do it

**BubblegumRitch:** shut up i'm just not gonna move

**JohnnyBoy:** ritch yer a P A N S Y 

**BubblegumRitch:** yea i know now quit texting me

** The Fab Family, 9:43am. **

**JohnnyBoy:** hey @BubblegumRitch guess what

**BubblegumRitch:** what

**JohnnyBoy:** pansy

**Maccaroni:** Really, John

**Maccaroni:** I wake up in time for you to call Ritch a pansy

**BubblegumRitch:** y're a proper arse, john, but clearly i'm winning

**JohnnyBoy:** oh worm

**BubblegumRitch:** yeah and on an unrelated note george says to shut the fuck up because it's too early for your shit

**Maccaroni:** Whos shit?

**BubblegumRitch:** he was talking abt john but you can shut up too paul uwu

**JohnnyBoy:** and exactly how would y

**JohnnyBoy:** ohhhhhh

**HungriHarri:** John, it's too early for us to be having to deal with your shit, mkay?

**JohnnyBoy:** OHHHHH

**Maccaroni:** Johnny hush

**JohnnyBoy:** maybe you aren't a pansy ritch

**HungriHarri:** Alright firstly, what the hell is wrong with you, texting this early?

**HungriHarri:** Secondly, define "pansy". ;)

**Maccaroni:** Okat NOW I'm interested what does THAT mean

**BubblegumRitch:** Okat

**JohnnyBoy:** Okat

**HungriHarri:** Okat

**Maccaroni:** Oh fuck it I'm going back to bed

**BubblegumRitch:** actually you can't

**BubblegumRitch:** so maybe it's good that lenny woke us up

**JohnnyBoy:** yeah it's good!!!

**JohnnyBoy:** wait why can't we go back to sleep

**HungriHarri:** Lads, it's moving day. Remember?

**Maccaroni:** Holy shit is it the fouteebth already?

**BubblegumRitch:** fouteebth

**JohnnyBoy:** fouteebth

**HungriHarri:** fouteebth

**HungriHarri:** But to answer your question, yes it is. UP AND AT EM LADIES!

**Maccaroni:** Ughhhhhhhhhhhh

**JohnnyBoy:** I'm gonna collect my wits and then maybe... maybe

**BubblegumRitch:** just shuddup and pack the rest of yer shit :D

**HungriHarri:** See you fucks at noon!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know how I'm doing, more updates real soon!! :)
> 
> \- Doc <3


	3. Moving Day

** Private chat, -- BubblegumRitch and HungriHarri, 11:43am. **

**BubblegumRitch:** hey thanks for staying over!!! i miss you alreadyyyyy :(((

**HungriHarri:** Me too, hot stuff.

**BubblegumRitch:** <3

**HungriHarri:** <3

**HungriHarri:** But like on an entirely unrelated note,,

**HungriHarri:** If you ever go find my boxers, I would very much like them back, because they're the only pair with ducks on them and you know I love ducks.

**BubblegumRitch:** yes I know XD

**HungriHarri:** Alright, cool. See ya, darling. <3 <3 <3

**BubblegumRitch:** see you babe <33333

** The Fab Family, 12:02pm. **

**Maccaroni:** I'm at the new place where are you lads

**HungriHarri:** Sorry la', a few minutes out, had to stop by my flat.

**JohnnyBoy:** almost there

**JohnnyBoy:** hazza you what

**BubblegumRitch:** paul turn around lmao

**Maccaroni:** Oh worm

**HungriHarri:** I hate that. Walking over right now. :) 

**JohnnyBoy:** NO WAIT GEORGE NO-MIDDLE-NAME HARRISON EXPLAIN WDYM STOP AT YOUR FLAT

**JohnnyBoy:** AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

**The Fab Family, 1:04pm.**

**Maccaroni:** Okay Haz your couch is the nicest so if you wanna put that in the truck we can get it over here before the day is out

**HungriHarri:** Sure, I can carry a couch by myself. -_-

**Maccaroni:** Fine, I'll be there in five, pack up whateber else you want for the night

**JohnnyBoy:** two grievances

**Maccaroni:** Here we go

**BubblegumRitch:** whateber

**JohnnyBoy:** ^^ whateber

**HungriHarri:** whateber

**Maccaroni:** Stfu, what's grievance #2

**JohnnyBoy:** my couch is better than geo's

**BubblegumRitch:** no

**BubblegumRitch:** my couch is better than yours, and geo's is better than mine.

**HungriHarri:** Look, mine's the biggest, we'll use yours later. It's just for the first night, you know.

**BubblegumRitch:** THAT'S WHAT HE SAID!!!!

**JohnnyBoy:** oh

**JohnnyBoy:** oh my god

**Maccaroni:** Which of you fucks taught him that

**BubblegumRitch:** guys did i do it wrong

**HungriHarri:** Oh sweet Lord, Ritchie.

**BubblegumRitch:** okay wait what's wrong

**HungriHarri:** Ritchie.

**HungriHarri:** Baby.

**HungriHarri:** Love of my life.

**JohnnyBoy:** what now

**HungriHarri:** Light of my existence. 

**BubblegumRitch:** what did i doooooooooooooo

**BubblegumRitch:** georgie pleaseee

**HungriHarri:** I'm almost certain I'm in love with you, like even more than I was three minutes ago.

**HungriHarri:** I'm literally sobbinf on my apartmebt floor oh god that's what he said

**BubblegumRitch:** i love you too but what the fuck is going on

_**Maccaroni added EpsteinB to 'The Fab Family'.** _

_**Maccaroni changed EpsteinB's name to Mum.** _

**Maccaroni:** MUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUM

**Mum:** What's the matter? What is this?

**Maccaroni:** Someone taught Ringo that's what she/he said

**JohnnyBoy:** so is everyoen just gonna ignore sobbinf, apartmebt, and Geo calling Ritchie the love of his life or like what

**HungriHarri:** everyoen

**Maccaroni:** everyoen

**BubblegumRitch:** everyoen

**Mum:** everyoen

**JohnnyBoy:** even mum's in on it!?!??!?!?!?!?

**Mum:** Apparently. 

**Maccaroni:** @HungriHarri unlock the fucking door so I can help with the couch

**HungriHarri:** Oh, sorry. Just a second.

**Mum:** Anyroad, John, you properly screamed "that's what she said" in the studio just last week.

**JohnnyBoy:** oh did i now

**BubblegumRitch:** yeah i asked you for a pencil and it wouldn't fit in the sharpener,, so i said

**BubblegumRitch:** "it won't fit, it's too big"

**BubblegumRitch:** and you blew my fucking eardrums out

**JohnnyBoy:** i don't think i yelled

**Mum:** Even from the booth, John, you were loud as a banshee.

**Mum:** With a megaphone:

**Mum:** On helium.

**JohnnyBoy:** okay okay i get it you can stop being bitchy now, mum

_**JohnnyBoy added GeorgeHMartin to 'The Fab Family'.** _

_**JohnnyBoy changed GeorgeHMartin's name to 'fatha'.** _

**JohnnyBoy:** DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD

**BubblegumRitch:** is this deja vu

**JohnnyBoy:** mum's mockin me!! 

**JohnnyBoy:** ｡･ﾟﾟ･(>д<)･ﾟﾟ･｡

**BubblegumRitch:** woah wait how did you do that

**fatha:** and knowing brian it's likely that you deserve it!! 

**Mum:** Glad to know someone still has faith in me.

**fatha:** the hell do you mean? we've been married four years!

**BubblegumRitch:** don't worry pa 

**BubblegumRitch:** he loves you, he's just dramatic

_**HungriHarri changed JohnnyBoy's name to lemonfucker.** _

**HungriHarri:** Sour bitch. 

**HungriHarri:** Now shut up while Paul and I bring over the couch.

**Bug Boys, 7:34pm.**

_**lemonfucker created a chat with Maccaroni and 2 others.** _

_**lemonfucker named the chat 'Bug Boys'.** _

**lemonfucker:** sleeping arrangements?

**BubblegumRitch:** as long I'm with geo I don't really care

**lemonfucker:** okay what the hell is going on with you two

**HungriHarri:** Take a wild guess, Lennon.

**Maccaroni:** They did the devil's tango John

**BubblegumRitch:** wait i'm sorry what did you just call it

**HungriHazzi:** The Devil's Tango I'm fucking crying oh lord

**lemonfucker:** so y'all,, canoodled

**HungriHarri:** CANOODLED I'M SCREAMING

**Maccaroni:** Yeah lmao we can hear you, same flat now

**BubblegumRitch:** yeah we did the giblet dance you know

**lemonfucker:** GIBLET DANCE BAHAHAHA

**Maccaroni:** Pretty sure I just heard George hit the floor and scream??

**BubblegumRitch:** i think we've broken my boyfriend

**lemonfucker:** okay THAT clears it up

**lemonfucker:** i didn't know if you were dating or just,, you know,,,

**lemonfucker:** casually grinding each other's corn

**HungriHarri:** AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

**Maccaroni:** I can't tell if he's laughing or sobbing

**BubblegumRitch:** probably both 

**Bug Boys, 7:34pm.**

**Maccaroni:** No actually tho where are we sleeping

**HungriHarri:** Ritchie darling, would you sleep in the pantry with me?

**BubblegumRitch:** sorry what

**HungriHarri:** We can make a blanket nest, you know, cuddle and stuff.

**lemonfucker:** but why the pantry

**HungriHarri:** The pantry is my favorite part of the flat!!

**Maccaroni:** Seriously haz

**HungriHarri:** Also, sleeping next to the graham crackers is a big bonus. 

**BubblegumRitch:** sure, i'll nest in the pantry with you! :D

**HungriHarri:** :D

**lemonfucker:** you guys are,,, weirdly cute.

**Maccaroni:** Yeah so John and I can share the couch?

**BubblegumRitch:** sounds good :)

**HungriHarri:** I'll break out the blankets, we should go to bed early so we can try to move in the beds early tomorrow.

**lemonfucker:** peachy

**Maccaroni:** Sounds like a plan

**BubblegumRitch:** cool :) <3

**Bug Boys, 7:34pm.**

**lemonfucker:** goodnight starrison, how's the pantry

**HungriHarri:** We're Starrison now?

**Maccaroni:** Yep, Starr+Harrison

**BubblegumRitch:** honestly the pantry is awesome, how's the couch?

**Maccaroni:** John keeps kicking me in the ass but it's pretty comfy 

**lemonfucker:** well move your damn legs

**Maccaroni:** No!!!

**HungriHarri:** Please refrain from doing the Devil's Tango on my sofa, goodnight lads. 

**BubblegumRitch:** night night :)

**lemonfucker:** something like that

**Maccaroni:** Goodnight everyone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Doing alright so far? Lemme know what you'd like to see in the comments, and I'll do my best to make it happen!! :D <3


	4. The Clueless Husband Support Group

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Martin's just trying his best, seriously, he really is.
> 
> (Sorry it took so long to update, I had written the full chapter and then my laptop died without me saving, -- I know, I'm stupid, -- but anyroad. Hope it's worth the wait!!)

** help please, 8:32am. **

**_fatha crea_** _**ted a chat with lemonfucker and 2 others.** _

_**fatha named the chat 'help please'.** _

**fatha:** boys, I need your help

**Maccaroni:** What's wrong

**fatha:** i have no idea, and that is exactly the problem, kinda freaking out, not today satan, oh dear

**lemonfucker:** paulie kicked me awake for this so you better slow down and explain the fuckin problem papa

**fatha:** are the other two with you?

**Maccaroni:** No they're in the pantry

**lemonfucker:** yeah dont ask

**HungriHarri:** Well, I was woken up, so I'm awake now.

**fatha:** could you wake richard please?

**HungriHarri:** I don't know, he looks so cute right now,,

**Maccaroni:** Oh yeah, you missed it dad, but haz and rings are boyfriends now

**fatha:** finally, i've been watching you thirst after each other for years

**HungriHarri:** Wait, what?????

**lemonfucker:** guys quit distracting him

**lemonfucker:** what's the matter martin

**fatha:** well you see, brian and i's anniversary is this weekend, -- five years

**Maccaroni:** *me and Brian's

**HungriHarri:** Really, dude?

**Maccaroni:** Sorry

**lemonfucker:** continue 

**fatha:** so i made bri breakfast again this morning, like always, you know

**HungriHarri:** Breakfast...

**lemonfucker:** shuddup haz you're literally in the pantry

**Maccaroni:** lenny makes a point

**fatha:** and he sat down and gave me a kiss on the cheek like normal

**BubblegumRitch:** okay and???

**fatha:** oh good morning ringo

**BubblegumRitch:** morning!!!

**HungriHarri:** This better be worth it, because I woke up the sleeping angel and he started cuddling me a little less so he could text. >:(((

**Maccaroni:** Sheesh diva much?

**lemonfucker:** paulie you have exactly zero cubic meters to talk you're a primadonna

**Maccaroni:** I'm offended

**BubblegumRitch:** guys can you focus?? martin wants our help???

**fatha:** this is why richard is my favorite son

**Maccaroni:** i'm so offended right now I'M not the favorite???????????????/

_**lemonfucked changed Maccaroni's name to saltmccarney.** _

**saltmccartney:** I am now even more offended

**HungriHarri:** Good one, Lenny. Now, George, you were saying?

**fatha:** yes, why thank you, george

**HungriHarri:** Anytime, George.

**fatha:** so anyroad I said "good morning, princess" and pushed him his plate, which isn't at all uncommon

**BubblegumRitch:** okay???

**fatha:** and he just gave me like a quick half smile and he like, huffed

**saltmccartney:** That's all?

**fatha:** yeah so how many of you lads understand women

_**HungriHarri renamed the chat 'The Clueless Husband Support Group'.** _

**BubblegumRitch:** well I mean i kinda do!!!!

**fatha:** fantastic

**fatha:** oh thanks george, that makes me feel great

**HungriHarri:** Anytime, George.

**lemonfucker:** yeah cuz haz is also a woman

**saltmccartney:** Big mouth there, Lennon

**lemonfucker:** what are you implying yeh bastard, yeh sayin i'm like them?

**HungriHarri:** Listen, I concede to sorta being a woman, yeah yeah, shuddup everyone.

**fatha:** so what do you think, ringo? i just don't want bri mad at me before our anniversary

**BubblegumRitch:** well i've seen you and mum interacting as buddies and as a married couple, and i think you are undeniably perfect for each other. you two seriously complete each other,, i'd go as far as to say, you're like,,, soulmates!!! you guys love each other so so much, i really think you're meant to be!!! I doubt you did anything so wrong as you think, but if you're worried, you can just ask him, and he'll tell you! mum's a jew, he's pretty open about his grievances, you know!!! XDXD!!! i think if there was a real problem, eppy wouldn't convey it with a huff!!! that's not like him, -- he loves you and he's always honest with you!! mum's probably just tired, don't worry!! :)

**saltmccartney:** Wow

**lemonfucker:** okay then

**fatha:** alright so a few things, 1 -- you're DEFINITELY my favorite kid

**BubblegumRitch:** uwu

**saltmccartney:** You gotta stop with that

**BubblegumRitch:** sorry

**fatha:** 2 -- you really don't think I fucked up

**BubblegumRitch:** no!!!! he's probably sleepy, give him coffee and a few hours

**HungriHarri:** So, speaking as a woMAN, Ritchie's totally right, I don't think Eppy's mad at you. I huff at everyone most mornings, -- not mad, just sleepy.

**fatha:** huh. thanks so much, you two

**lemonfucker:** well hold on now

**saltmccartney:** Here we go...

**lemonfucker:** because Paul implied I was a woman of the chat i'm gonna speak as one

**fatha:** oh, what do you think?

**HungriHarri:** No, Papa, yeh don't want his advice.

**BubblegumRitch:** ^^^

**lemonfucker:** ya done fucked up pal, eppy's pissed

**saltmccartney:** I don't necessarily think that's right

**fatha:** oh dear, you think

**lemonfucker:** well how does he normally greet you

**fatha:** well normally it's a kiss and a "good morning, I love you. eggs? cool, let's do it georgie, and then here's my schedule for today"

**saltmccartney:** I can't believe I'm saying this, but you guys are so cute and it's making me feel lonely

**Private chat, -- saltmccartney and HungriHarri, 8:56am.**

**HungriHarri:** I bet if you got over yourself and just fucked Lennon, you'd feel a whole lot less lonelyyy,,

**saltmccartney:** I'll sue you for heresy

**HungriHarri:** Uh-huh. 

**The Clueless Husband Support Group, 8:57am.**

**fatha:** thank you paul

**lemonfucker:** okay he's pissed, what have you done wrong in the last three business days

**HungriHarri:** That is enough of that, John, I really doubt that Brian's mad.

**BubblegumRitch:** yeah, he's not the type to bury himself with any complaints

**fatha:** okay now i'm almost more confused than i was 

**saltmccartney:** Relax, pa, i doubt Bri is mad

**lemonfucker:** hmmph

**fatha:** okay, so you're saying I should just serve him coffee and be sweet for a while and see if loosens up?

**BubblegumRitch:** exactly!!! i'm proud of you!!!!

**fatha:** okay, i'll let you know what happens

**HungriHarri:** Good luck.

**The Clueless Husband Support Group, 9:13am.**

**fatha:** okay guys, bad news, he just turned down my offer for a cup of coffee

**saltmccartney:** Wait what

**lemonfucker:** mummy literally lives on coffee, wdym he turned it down

**fatha:** i don't know

**BubblegumRitch:** maybe he's stressed about something, that's why he doesn't want caffeine, -- so he don't get the jitters

**saltmccartney:** That's actually very likely, you know how stressed Eppy gets

**HungriHarri:** I had something useful to contribute, but Ringo's literally the cutest thing in the world so I forgot what I was gonna say. 

**lemonfucker:** valid honestly

**HungriHarri:** Yeah, but stay away from my Ritchie.

**lemonfucker:** equally valid

**fatha:** i'm sorry my wife has NEVER turned down caffeine beofre

**saltmccartney:** Don't make fun of it don't do it Paul don't fucking do it

**BubblegumRitch:** it's probably not that big of a deal, Martin

**The Clueless Husband Support Group, 9:36am.**

**fatha:** alright new question, -- is there any possibility that Brian is pregnant

**saltmccartney:** No

**fatha:** hmm

**fatha:** are you sure

**lemonfucker:** yep

**fatha:** certain??

**saltmccartney:** Yes, dad, 100%

**fatha:** ah okay

**The Clueless Husband Support Group, 9:36am.**

**fatha:** i asked, the wife says he's fine

**HungriHarri:** That's great!! Told you so!!

**BubblegumRitch:** well good!!! i'm glad that's fixed, you don't have to worry anymore!!!!

**fatha:** yeah, i still don't understand women

**lemonfucker:** as a woman, i too do not understand women

**fatha:** i have no idea what i'm doing

**saltmccartney:** Clearly

**fatha:** i'm so bad at marriage

**BubblegumRitch:** that's not true!!!!

**fatha:** i suck all of the marriage-affiliated stuff too

**fatha:** haz is right, -- i'm a clueless husband

**HungirHarri:** Bingo.

**fatha:** yeah

**The Clueless Husband Support Group, 9:42am.**

**fatha:** are you guys absolutely sure Eppy couldn't be pregnant

**saltmccartney:** Dude, how did you even get Brian to marry you 

**fatha:** to be perfectly honest, I have no fucking idea


	5. Poor Brian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eppy's just worried... that's all... just... just really, really, really desperately worried...

**The Fab Family, 10:34am.**

_**Mum removed fatha from the chat.** _

**Mum:** Who's fault is it?

**saltmccartney:** Whos fault is what

**Mum:** Georgie keeps asking me if I need to sit or if there is any specific food I want.

**BubblegumRitch:** oh dear,,

**lemonfucker:** he's just being sweet

**HungriHarri:** He is offering you food and a chair, mum. I fail to see an issue.

**saltmccartney:** Ma's not so dumb guys

**Mum:** Correct, I'm rather clever. So, -- which of you insolent children gave Martin the idea that I'm pregnant? I'm not.

**lemonfucker:** but can you be sure

**saltmccartney:** Yes lmao he can be 

**BubblegumRitch:** bri, hate to break it to yeh, but papa came up with that one on his own!!!! :////

**HungriHarri:** I'm trying to be helpful, Ritchie, stop being so precious. 

**BubblegumRitch:** uwu

**saltmccartney:** STOP

**lemonfucker:** don't hate on the baby

**HungriHarri:** My baby, hands off. But yeah.

**BubblegumRitch:** uwu i'm yers (sorry Paul)

**Mum:** Boys, focus. That true, Ritch?

**BubblegumRitch:** fear so!!! :////

**Mum:** Oh, dear. How do I convince him I'm not??

**saltmccartney:** Shag him and give him a basic anatomy lesson

**lemonfucker:** paul those are our pArEnTs yer talking about

**lemonfucker:** but yeah that's also my suggestion lmao

**HungriHarri:** I'm sorry about them, Bri. Maybe just tell him what the actual problem is?

**Mum:** Oh.

**BubblegumRitch:** if you don't mind, eppy, what IS,,, the actual problem???

**BubblegumRitch:** only if you don't mind!!!!

**Mum:** Ah, it's a little embarrassing.

**lemonfucker:** well then i DEFINITELY wanna know

**saltmccartney:** Johnny have a heart

**HungriHarri:** Maybe we can help, Brian.

**BubblegumRitch:** yeah mommy we'll play nice!!!

**BubblegumRitch:** i have no idea whether to call you mommy or daddy at this point, tbh,,.,.

**HungriHarri:** Ritch, you are my favorite thing on earth.

**Mum:** Fine. Only because I like you boys.

**lemonfucker:** the interesting thing is that ^ also works if you remove the word "you"

**saltmccartney:** Christ, John

**Mum:** Oh, I'm used to him by now. It's okay.

**Mum:** Anyway, yeah, it's not huge or anything.

**Mum:** I'm just really stressed out because I don't know what to do for our anniversary. This is the first time I've ever been stumped!!

**HungriHarri:** You turned down coffee? Over thAt??? Are you running a fever, Bri??????

**BubblegumRitch:** we can help!!! or, i guess, everyibe but john can help because he's gonna suggest something naughty,,,,

**lemonfucker:** have you considered giving him a lapdance

**lemonfucker:** oh lord i've become predictable

**saltmccartney:** Everyibe

**Mum:** Oh, we're helping me now?

**HungriHarri:** Why not? We've got Paul's apartment cleaned out, and we're all hanging out and unpacking his shit.

**BubblegumRitch:** wait eppy should I add malistair

**lemonfucker:** malistair lmfao

**Mum:** Sure, they're helpful. :)

_**BubblegumRitch added MalcomE and AliTay to The Fab Family.** _

_**BubblegumRitch changed MalcomE's name to Bear.** _

_**BubblegumRitch changed AliTay's name to Fixit.** _

**BubblegumRitch:** hi guys!!!!

**Bear:** hey bub, what's up?

**Fixit:** What is this

**saltmccartney:** Hey lads we're helping Eppy pick an anniversary present for Martin 

**Fixit:** Brian, love, have you considered giving him a lapdance

**lemonfucker:** T H A N K Y O U

**Mum:** Okay, first of all. That is a very last-ditch thing.

**HungriHarri:** Gross, ma.

**Mum:** Secondly, J -- you are grounded for literally the next thousand years.

**BubblegumRitch:** he's always grounded,,,

**Bear:** ^^ ritch makes a point. i think you grounded him for six million years last saturday.

**Mum:** And third, Ali, -- I'm gonna strangle you during studio time on Sunday.

**Fixit:** And if I'm into that, which i definitely am, whatcha gonna do bout it

**Bear:** al.......

**BubblegumRitch:** alistair are you capable of one normal convo???

**saltmccartney:** Thank you for that mental image, Taylor, i'm never sleepin again

**HungriHarri:** I love that we only ever come together over bashing Alistair for being obnoxiously horny.

**lemonfucker:** y'all come together to ground me tho

**Bear:** that's true. so, -- two things. Al struggling to keep it in his pants, and Lennon being... Lennon.

**lemonfucker:** i am so offended rn

**Fixit:** Yeh sound like Paul

**saltmccartney:** Okay not to be super on brand but i'm? offended???

**BubblegumRitch:** focus!!!! we're supposed to be helpin mum!!!!!

_**Mum changed BubblegumRitch's name to Bestbub.** _

**Bestbub:** uwu

**HungriHarri:** Aw. 

**Mum:** Now, are you lads helping, or should I go stress elsewhere?

**Bear:** you can stress here, bri. :)

**Mum:** Gee thanks, Mal. -_-

**Bear:** just tryna help!! D:

**Fixit:** Be nice to my boyfriend, Brian. He's doing his bestest

**HungriHarri:** I think my soul just flickered out.

**lemonfucker:** bestest

**saltmccartney:** Bestest

**Fixit:** It was a joke!!! I know that bestest isn't a word

**Bestbub:** bestest

**Fixit:** Aw, man

**HungriHarri:** Bestest.

**Mum:** Bestest.

**Fixit:** Babe, please don't

**Bear:**...

**Fixit:** Malcolm Frederick Evans, I will kick your ass, don't do this to me

**Bear:** bestest.

**Fixit:** Goddammit

**_Fixit has left the chat._ **

**_Bear added Fixit to The Fab Family._ **

**Bear:** it's in good fun, baby, you know I love you.

**Fixit:** Stiil mad

**Bear:** okay.

**Bestbub:** he's not that mad,,,,

**Fixit:** No, dammit, I'm not. I love you too Mal

**Bear:** attaboy. :)

**Mum:** Okay, this is absolutely useless, does anyone have any normal person ideas???

**HungriHarri:** Why don't I just text Martin and ask?

**saltmccartney:** That's actually a good idea

**Bestbub:** my boyfriend!!! is a genius!!!! uwuwuwuwu!!!!

**Fixit:** If George says he wants a lapdance, I'm going to sue all of you

**lemonfucker:** excuse yeh

**Fixit:** *except for Johnny

**lemonfucker:** better

**Bear:** ali. you are incorrigible.

**Fixit:** You know that you love me

**Bear:** yeah.

**HungriHarri:** Be good while I'm out.

**Mum:** Don't tell him I can't think of a present!!!

**HungriHarri:** Won't. :)

**Private chat, -- fatha and HungriHarri, 10:58am.**

  
**HungriHarri:** Hey George, got a second?

**fatha:** sure, what's up

**HungriHarri:** I know it's your fifth anniversary this weekend, and I just wanted to know how you and Eppy stay so in love. I really, really like Ringo, -- I want what you have, you know?

**fatha:** oh, really? i don't think you need to worry so much, it's half lovr and half work, and I know you and ritch love each other

**fatha:** *love

**HungriHarri:** Really? What should I know?

**fatha:** you lads are some cuddly fellas, but if either of you need little breaks from the eternal-honeymoon thing you guys had going on even before you were officially dating, it's not the end of the world, it shows that you love each other no matter where or what you are, you know? if you're worrying about something, you shouldn't hesitate to tell each other, it makes you feel good. just talk! it's that simple, really

**HungriHarri:** That makes me feel so much better, actually, thank you.

**HungriHarri:** Did you really always think we were going to end up together?

**fatha:** are you kidding? kid, I had money on it! you've always been all over each other

**HungriHarri:** I guess you're right. XD Still, five years. That's awesome. Still love him the same?

**fatha:** i love him more every day, dunno how that works, but it does

**HungriHarri:** I think I get that, yeah. :) What're you doing for the holiday?

**fatha:** i plan to take him picnicking!! i thought it might be fun 

**HungriHarri:** Ooh, Brian'll love that! 

**fatha:** sure hope so :D

**HungriHarri:** What do you think Eppy'll get you??

**fatha:** oh, he's always so thoughtful, I can never tell

**HungriHarri:** I dig that. What do you want, though?

**fatha:** i don't really know that I want anything! i just like being with him, you know

**HungriHarri:** That's adorable. 

**fatha:** i love the sentimental things, -- last year he got me an engraved pocketwatch

**HungriHarri:** You're just making me jealous of married life. XD

**fatha:** ah, sorry, I just don't get to gush enough :)))

**fatha:** although I'm secretly hoping he gets us a phonograph and some classical records? we both love to dance, but i love that vibe, you know

**HungriHarri:** That would be so cool, that suits you guys!!

**fatha:** he always has this innate ability to read my mind, so maybe we'll get one! who knows

**HungriHarri:** Thanks so much, George.

**fatha:** i hardly helped a thing, but you're welcome George XD

** The Fab Family, 11:14am. **

**HungriHarri:** Brian, your husband is STUPIDLY in love with you.

**lemonfucker:** yeah they're disgustingly cute

**Mum:** Did you figure out what he wants?

**HungriHarri:** I did! Record player and your favorite classical vinyls. He wants to dance with you.

**saltmccartney:** That's so cute i wanna break something

**Bestbub:** awwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!

**Mum:** I can do that! Thanks so much!!!

**HungriHarri:** Anytime, Ep.

**Fixit:** You can give him a lapdance to one of those classical records

**Bear:** goddammit, Alistair.

**saltmccartney:** Goddammit alistair

**Bestbub:** dammit, ali,,,

**HungriHarri:** Seriously, Al?

**lemonfucker:** really al lmfao

**Mum:** Dammit, Alistair. You're grounded for ten years.

**Fixit:** What?? ;D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Malistair!! uwuwuwuwu
> 
> I love Brian so, so, SO much, literally. I physically can't deal with how cute he is, so here, take the interview that had me sobbing over him at one in the morning, thank me later ---> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=booVQn6Ou1I


End file.
